Moving forward or backwards?

It's early in the morning. I had a long day today. I'm preparing for a new year of teaching. I was hanging out with my daughter today. I'm such a proud Mom. She has grown in to such a great young woman. She has her own way for sure. I smile when I remember how she grew up so headstrong, and how now she has soften around the edges. I must have done something right. But, really I give God the glory, even for what I've done right regarding she and her brother. He has definitely helped me see what matters most in life.

In my days of doing my homework regarding writing my book, I've had to get really honest with myself. I went back home to Michigan for two weeks while recovering from a recent surgery. I've healed very well, and I'll be back to work when the new school year starts, right on schedule as planned. I thank God for that.  I really thought that writing at this time in my life, seven years after divorce, I would have no emotions regarding marriage to deal with. I was wrong. It's funny how, healed though I might be, you can still have flashbacks at times.

After having a few flashbacks, I started wondering if this would even be worth the emotional upheaval to pursue. I never thought this would happen. I know in my heart that I am truly healed, and that I've moved on successfully. I've dated, and made great friendships, male and female. I feel very confident in who I am and what my giftings are. This makes me reflect at times. So, I do what I know to do in these times. I talk to God. I really believe he wants me to share and use my life to be a blessing to someone else. Even if divorce was not your challenge, surely a book that is well written, timely, and hopefully anointed, can help you relate to others who have gone through it, or may be contemplating it.

Divorce, separation, and re-marriage is such a hot topic these days, even in the church because it is so prevalent. That is so unfortunate, but it is true. The people I believe who suffer the most are children of divorce. If I can give people who have not divorced, but may be thinking about it a true picture of what it feels like, and the legacy it leaves to children, maybe they'd think twice. My kids are doing really well now, but can I tell you it was not always this way. My son was three years old when me and my ex-husband separated. My daughter was thirteen, just entering puberty. If there ever was an untimely divorce, mine was one. My daughter was already entering the turbulent times of puberty. Adding a break-up to that was nuts. I just have to say it like I feel that, NUTS!

My baby boy used to curl up next to me, and cry like an infant. If I could  have climbed the Empire State Building and screamed, "Stop this Mess Now!" I probably would have. I don't know that it would've helped, but it would have felt good to do it. I'm trying to give folks who have never gone through something like this a chance to take note of what your friend, auntie, sister or brother might be going through. Trust me, they need your prayers, your love, and your concern right about now if they are going through a divorce. Their kids need a lot of support, and a chance to speak openly, if they so choose, to someone who will not give them false hope, but a light at the end of the tunnel. I've spoken to my daughter about sharing her testimony on this subject. She is up for it, when the time is right. She has quite a testimony too. People of her generation need to hear it.

I can tell you that I never wanted a divorce and it took me by surprise. Oh, I knew my marriage was in trouble, but I never thought it'd come to that. The best I can describe it in one sentence is, it felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet. You know, when you saw that on the Three Stooges. They go flying upward, then land hard. They get up looking disoriented, and confused. Yes, that's the right mental picture.... disoriented and confused. It takes a while to get your balance back. It took me a couple of years actually.

My older sister, who'd been suffering from symptoms of M.S. for years, finally lost her battle with the disease, through some very untimely circumstances. So, all within a thirty-day time frame, my marriage was officially over, and my sister was buried. That was a surreal time. I remember leaving the cemetery. It had been a long day. Actually, I think it was two days after I'd moved out of my home that I'd shared with my husband, got settled in a condo, and helped to plan my sister's funeral, I was walking away from her grave site. I'd had all of the emotion I could take for one day. The guy at the grave site, who worked there asked if we wanted to stay to watch the casket being lowered. I don't think I even spoke this out loud, ..."I've had all I can take....". I just walked away, and went to the car. I had some flowers from her casket in my hands. It was like taking something of hers with me. I kept those flowers for as long as the pedals would stay on that stem. I also took a potted plant. It was really hard to let that plant finally die. I didn't know how to care for it at home. Funny what you remember years later about a time like that.

Once again I will say, get close to God during this time, if this is your challenge. Spend extra time praying, reading and studying God's Word. Sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs to him instead of complaining and trying to figure out why this has, or is happening to you. Do some regular stuff too. Go see a good movie. Be surrounded by your loved ones, or friends. Get into something at church. Pick up a hobby. I don't mean make yourself overly busy, but don't just sit there and only mourn the past. I say only because I didn't morn at all at first. I took that scripture, "Don't mourn like the world who has no hope", (paraphrased),  too far. If you look at that verse of scripture closely, it doesn't say, "Don't mourn". It just says don't mourn like you don't have any hope, (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

I didn't allow myself to acknowledge that I was hurt, confused, and felt a great loss. I thought being a Christian meant that I didn't have to deal with all that. I could just go to church, lift my hands, and all the feelings would just go away. I thought I could just speak a word to my kids and they'd get it, in a day or two, and everything would "quickly" be alright. I was wrong! We are human. Our soul (mind, will, and emotions) need healing just like our bodies. If you're going through a divorce, please pick up Dr. Myles Monroe's book:  Single, Married, Separated & Life After Divorce. He goes into great detail about what to expect, and how to deal with your emotions during this time. It helped me so much. Of course, get in that Bible, seriously. I don't mean just a memory verse. I mean pour over it, meditate it, and ask God to give you what you need daily. I got heavily into journaling during that time. I'd pray, study, and write down what I was studying. I'd get scriptures that I felt dealt directly with what I was dealing with. I also prayed and asked God for direction regarding what I needed at that time. He came through in such a wonderful way.

If you feel inadequate at this time, go to someone spiritual whom you trust, who knows more about the Bible than you. Get your Pastor(s), or church leadership involved. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The church mothers prayed me through some tough times. Also, take some time to sit by a pond, the River, if you live near one. Look at the stars at night. It helps you realize how awesome and capable God is. If he can keep the universe in place, stars and moon all revolving.... he can surely take care of what is going on in your life expertly. He can, and he will!