My perspective then.... My perspective now.

That sunny day on June 19, 2003 came afer ten months of divorce proceedings. People never really heard things from my perspective because I chose not to call any magazines, do any TV interviews. It was hard enough to deal with all the changes I was going through without scrutiny from strangers.

I was raised in church, in a family that was private about things like this. Yet, there were days that I did feel like setting the record straight. There were so many rumors out there. My friends would sometimes clue me in, so that I'd be braced for what I might hear.

Let me say that I wasn't always so clear about how I felt. I was hurt, sad, bewildered at times. How does a Christian, married to a Christian end up in divorce court? Better yet, how does a Chirstian married to a Christian minister end up in divorce court?  My parents had been married for over forty years by that time. I grew up in a traditional Pentacostal church, where divorce was taboo, yet there I was in divorce court. I still loved my husband, or ex-husband  I should say. It took me the longest time to be able to refer to him like that. I wanted my marriage, and couldn't understand how this had happened.

One of the pastors I'd come to know through my ex-husband advised me not to spend my time figuring things out, but drawing closer to God. I took his advice. I prayed more than I ever had in my life. I fasted until I broke out in hives after I began to eat again, yet it still happened. I tried not to question God, but I'm sure I did in my heart, even if I never verbalized it to him in prayer.

Let me say that I was also angered by people who wrote articles about a marriage between two people, but never bothered to get the other person's perspective. I understood that he was the famous one, and that he had fans who cared about him. His fans may not even recognize me in a crowd, but surely they realized that there was another person involved, and  that she might have a different perspective. I can speak about it now, because I've gotten rid of the anger, the hurts have been healed, and I see things differently now. God really healed me emotionally, and helped me get rid of the bitterness that ate me away inside.

So, if you are in the throws of a divorce, or have just come out of one, know that hurt, emotional pain, bewilderment are normal, but costly. The sooner you get rid of them, with God's help, the better off you'll be. However unfair it seems, know that holding on to it is hurting you more than the person, or people you are angry with.

I spent many a day in the Psalms. King David was really honest with God. He talked about how his tears soked his pillow at night. He talked about being so depressed he didn't think he would recover. But, he always ended those heart wrenching paragraphs with praise. Praise and God's Word got me through the toughest of times. The Word and Praise will get you through it too. Don't pretend you don't feel it. Don't ignore it, and please don't try to be Super Christian. I did, and I dwindled down to a very unhealthy weight. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of that relationship. Give it to God, for sure, but know that you are a spirit, with a soul, living in a body. You are all three of these. God needs to heal all three, and he will.

I also will say, don't go it alone. We need one another. Certainly let God lead you to spiritually minded people. Your pastor, or pastoral care staff is a good start. I had people that I could call at 3:00 am, if I couldn't sleep, who loved my ex-husband, and wouldn't bash him, but who would pray for us both sincerely. I learned not to go to people who'd bad mouth him. That wouldn't solve anything. I didn't disclose a lot anyway, because I wanted to be reconciled at that time. I didn't want God to heal my marriage, and then have folks who were close to me mad at him. That would never work. So, I protected him. I wasn't perfect in that, for sure, but I loved him. I still do, only differently. I love him in a way that says I respect him as the father of my children. I recognize that his music changed the face of gospel, and still is doing that. Heck, it took me so long to stop seeing a movie at the theater, and not instinctively call him to tell him how it was. He had been my best friend, and I missed that.

Any relationship that lasts for seventeen years, involves two beautiful children, years of ministry work is bound to affect the strongest person in the worse way when it ends. That's not the end of the story though.