Saturday, August 28, 2010
Correction RE: Dr. Myles Monroe's book title
I misquoted the name of Dr. Myles Monroe's book. The title has been changed in my last blog entry, but I'll mention it here too. It really helped me. The title is Single, Married, Separated & Life After Divorce. Buy this book!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Moving forward or backwards?
It's early in the morning. I had a long day today. I'm preparing for a new year of teaching. I was hanging out with my daughter today. I'm such a proud Mom. She has grown in to such a great young woman. She has her own way for sure. I smile when I remember how she grew up so headstrong, and how now she has soften around the edges. I must have done something right. But, really I give God the glory, even for what I've done right regarding she and her brother. He has definitely helped me see what matters most in life.
In my days of doing my homework regarding writing my book, I've had to get really honest with myself. I went back home to Michigan for two weeks while recovering from a recent surgery. I've healed very well, and I'll be back to work when the new school year starts, right on schedule as planned. I thank God for that. I really thought that writing at this time in my life, seven years after divorce, I would have no emotions regarding marriage to deal with. I was wrong. It's funny how, healed though I might be, you can still have flashbacks at times.
After having a few flashbacks, I started wondering if this would even be worth the emotional upheaval to pursue. I never thought this would happen. I know in my heart that I am truly healed, and that I've moved on successfully. I've dated, and made great friendships, male and female. I feel very confident in who I am and what my giftings are. This makes me reflect at times. So, I do what I know to do in these times. I talk to God. I really believe he wants me to share and use my life to be a blessing to someone else. Even if divorce was not your challenge, surely a book that is well written, timely, and hopefully anointed, can help you relate to others who have gone through it, or may be contemplating it.
Divorce, separation, and re-marriage is such a hot topic these days, even in the church because it is so prevalent. That is so unfortunate, but it is true. The people I believe who suffer the most are children of divorce. If I can give people who have not divorced, but may be thinking about it a true picture of what it feels like, and the legacy it leaves to children, maybe they'd think twice. My kids are doing really well now, but can I tell you it was not always this way. My son was three years old when me and my ex-husband separated. My daughter was thirteen, just entering puberty. If there ever was an untimely divorce, mine was one. My daughter was already entering the turbulent times of puberty. Adding a break-up to that was nuts. I just have to say it like I feel that, NUTS!
My baby boy used to curl up next to me, and cry like an infant. If I could have climbed the Empire State Building and screamed, "Stop this Mess Now!" I probably would have. I don't know that it would've helped, but it would have felt good to do it. I'm trying to give folks who have never gone through something like this a chance to take note of what your friend, auntie, sister or brother might be going through. Trust me, they need your prayers, your love, and your concern right about now if they are going through a divorce. Their kids need a lot of support, and a chance to speak openly, if they so choose, to someone who will not give them false hope, but a light at the end of the tunnel. I've spoken to my daughter about sharing her testimony on this subject. She is up for it, when the time is right. She has quite a testimony too. People of her generation need to hear it.
I can tell you that I never wanted a divorce and it took me by surprise. Oh, I knew my marriage was in trouble, but I never thought it'd come to that. The best I can describe it in one sentence is, it felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet. You know, when you saw that on the Three Stooges. They go flying upward, then land hard. They get up looking disoriented, and confused. Yes, that's the right mental picture.... disoriented and confused. It takes a while to get your balance back. It took me a couple of years actually.
My older sister, who'd been suffering from symptoms of M.S. for years, finally lost her battle with the disease, through some very untimely circumstances. So, all within a thirty-day time frame, my marriage was officially over, and my sister was buried. That was a surreal time. I remember leaving the cemetery. It had been a long day. Actually, I think it was two days after I'd moved out of my home that I'd shared with my husband, got settled in a condo, and helped to plan my sister's funeral, I was walking away from her grave site. I'd had all of the emotion I could take for one day. The guy at the grave site, who worked there asked if we wanted to stay to watch the casket being lowered. I don't think I even spoke this out loud, ..."I've had all I can take....". I just walked away, and went to the car. I had some flowers from her casket in my hands. It was like taking something of hers with me. I kept those flowers for as long as the pedals would stay on that stem. I also took a potted plant. It was really hard to let that plant finally die. I didn't know how to care for it at home. Funny what you remember years later about a time like that.
Once again I will say, get close to God during this time, if this is your challenge. Spend extra time praying, reading and studying God's Word. Sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs to him instead of complaining and trying to figure out why this has, or is happening to you. Do some regular stuff too. Go see a good movie. Be surrounded by your loved ones, or friends. Get into something at church. Pick up a hobby. I don't mean make yourself overly busy, but don't just sit there and only mourn the past. I say only because I didn't morn at all at first. I took that scripture, "Don't mourn like the world who has no hope", (paraphrased), too far. If you look at that verse of scripture closely, it doesn't say, "Don't mourn". It just says don't mourn like you don't have any hope, (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
I didn't allow myself to acknowledge that I was hurt, confused, and felt a great loss. I thought being a Christian meant that I didn't have to deal with all that. I could just go to church, lift my hands, and all the feelings would just go away. I thought I could just speak a word to my kids and they'd get it, in a day or two, and everything would "quickly" be alright. I was wrong! We are human. Our soul (mind, will, and emotions) need healing just like our bodies. If you're going through a divorce, please pick up Dr. Myles Monroe's book: Single, Married, Separated & Life After Divorce. He goes into great detail about what to expect, and how to deal with your emotions during this time. It helped me so much. Of course, get in that Bible, seriously. I don't mean just a memory verse. I mean pour over it, meditate it, and ask God to give you what you need daily. I got heavily into journaling during that time. I'd pray, study, and write down what I was studying. I'd get scriptures that I felt dealt directly with what I was dealing with. I also prayed and asked God for direction regarding what I needed at that time. He came through in such a wonderful way.
If you feel inadequate at this time, go to someone spiritual whom you trust, who knows more about the Bible than you. Get your Pastor(s), or church leadership involved. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The church mothers prayed me through some tough times. Also, take some time to sit by a pond, the River, if you live near one. Look at the stars at night. It helps you realize how awesome and capable God is. If he can keep the universe in place, stars and moon all revolving.... he can surely take care of what is going on in your life expertly. He can, and he will!
In my days of doing my homework regarding writing my book, I've had to get really honest with myself. I went back home to Michigan for two weeks while recovering from a recent surgery. I've healed very well, and I'll be back to work when the new school year starts, right on schedule as planned. I thank God for that. I really thought that writing at this time in my life, seven years after divorce, I would have no emotions regarding marriage to deal with. I was wrong. It's funny how, healed though I might be, you can still have flashbacks at times.
After having a few flashbacks, I started wondering if this would even be worth the emotional upheaval to pursue. I never thought this would happen. I know in my heart that I am truly healed, and that I've moved on successfully. I've dated, and made great friendships, male and female. I feel very confident in who I am and what my giftings are. This makes me reflect at times. So, I do what I know to do in these times. I talk to God. I really believe he wants me to share and use my life to be a blessing to someone else. Even if divorce was not your challenge, surely a book that is well written, timely, and hopefully anointed, can help you relate to others who have gone through it, or may be contemplating it.
Divorce, separation, and re-marriage is such a hot topic these days, even in the church because it is so prevalent. That is so unfortunate, but it is true. The people I believe who suffer the most are children of divorce. If I can give people who have not divorced, but may be thinking about it a true picture of what it feels like, and the legacy it leaves to children, maybe they'd think twice. My kids are doing really well now, but can I tell you it was not always this way. My son was three years old when me and my ex-husband separated. My daughter was thirteen, just entering puberty. If there ever was an untimely divorce, mine was one. My daughter was already entering the turbulent times of puberty. Adding a break-up to that was nuts. I just have to say it like I feel that, NUTS!
My baby boy used to curl up next to me, and cry like an infant. If I could have climbed the Empire State Building and screamed, "Stop this Mess Now!" I probably would have. I don't know that it would've helped, but it would have felt good to do it. I'm trying to give folks who have never gone through something like this a chance to take note of what your friend, auntie, sister or brother might be going through. Trust me, they need your prayers, your love, and your concern right about now if they are going through a divorce. Their kids need a lot of support, and a chance to speak openly, if they so choose, to someone who will not give them false hope, but a light at the end of the tunnel. I've spoken to my daughter about sharing her testimony on this subject. She is up for it, when the time is right. She has quite a testimony too. People of her generation need to hear it.
I can tell you that I never wanted a divorce and it took me by surprise. Oh, I knew my marriage was in trouble, but I never thought it'd come to that. The best I can describe it in one sentence is, it felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet. You know, when you saw that on the Three Stooges. They go flying upward, then land hard. They get up looking disoriented, and confused. Yes, that's the right mental picture.... disoriented and confused. It takes a while to get your balance back. It took me a couple of years actually.
My older sister, who'd been suffering from symptoms of M.S. for years, finally lost her battle with the disease, through some very untimely circumstances. So, all within a thirty-day time frame, my marriage was officially over, and my sister was buried. That was a surreal time. I remember leaving the cemetery. It had been a long day. Actually, I think it was two days after I'd moved out of my home that I'd shared with my husband, got settled in a condo, and helped to plan my sister's funeral, I was walking away from her grave site. I'd had all of the emotion I could take for one day. The guy at the grave site, who worked there asked if we wanted to stay to watch the casket being lowered. I don't think I even spoke this out loud, ..."I've had all I can take....". I just walked away, and went to the car. I had some flowers from her casket in my hands. It was like taking something of hers with me. I kept those flowers for as long as the pedals would stay on that stem. I also took a potted plant. It was really hard to let that plant finally die. I didn't know how to care for it at home. Funny what you remember years later about a time like that.
Once again I will say, get close to God during this time, if this is your challenge. Spend extra time praying, reading and studying God's Word. Sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs to him instead of complaining and trying to figure out why this has, or is happening to you. Do some regular stuff too. Go see a good movie. Be surrounded by your loved ones, or friends. Get into something at church. Pick up a hobby. I don't mean make yourself overly busy, but don't just sit there and only mourn the past. I say only because I didn't morn at all at first. I took that scripture, "Don't mourn like the world who has no hope", (paraphrased), too far. If you look at that verse of scripture closely, it doesn't say, "Don't mourn". It just says don't mourn like you don't have any hope, (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
I didn't allow myself to acknowledge that I was hurt, confused, and felt a great loss. I thought being a Christian meant that I didn't have to deal with all that. I could just go to church, lift my hands, and all the feelings would just go away. I thought I could just speak a word to my kids and they'd get it, in a day or two, and everything would "quickly" be alright. I was wrong! We are human. Our soul (mind, will, and emotions) need healing just like our bodies. If you're going through a divorce, please pick up Dr. Myles Monroe's book: Single, Married, Separated & Life After Divorce. He goes into great detail about what to expect, and how to deal with your emotions during this time. It helped me so much. Of course, get in that Bible, seriously. I don't mean just a memory verse. I mean pour over it, meditate it, and ask God to give you what you need daily. I got heavily into journaling during that time. I'd pray, study, and write down what I was studying. I'd get scriptures that I felt dealt directly with what I was dealing with. I also prayed and asked God for direction regarding what I needed at that time. He came through in such a wonderful way.
If you feel inadequate at this time, go to someone spiritual whom you trust, who knows more about the Bible than you. Get your Pastor(s), or church leadership involved. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. The church mothers prayed me through some tough times. Also, take some time to sit by a pond, the River, if you live near one. Look at the stars at night. It helps you realize how awesome and capable God is. If he can keep the universe in place, stars and moon all revolving.... he can surely take care of what is going on in your life expertly. He can, and he will!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
It's Summer.... and It's HOT in Texas!
Well, I've been away for a little while. I'd like to say that I am glad to know that people are being blessed by this blog. That is the purpose.... to be a blessing.
I am still contemplating the book. I have some things to consider. I want it to be more of a testimony than anything else. There are so many books out there. I am a book lover. I have more books than I can read right now, and don't want the book that I author to be another one to just add to people's collections, but something that can actually change people's lives. That might sound like an ambitious statement, but I think that is certainly possible. My life was changed by books that I have read by awesome men and women of God.
I'll never forget Dr. Fred Price's book that I read that told the story of how his ministry was started. It changed my life. I continue to be changed by books, some written by every-day people who's lives have been changed by God forever.
Having said all that, if this blog is a blessing to you, I'd like to hear from you. I initially said that you should leave questions in the comment section of this blog. I'm not so sure that is the best way to do this. I have had people write me on my Face Book page, (see the link on this blog), to encourage me to continue, or to give their testimony of how it has been a blessing to them. I encourage that. Also, sometimes people chat with me on there. I don't walk in the office of a Pastor, so I will always refer people to their local ministry, when it comes to questions regarding problems they are currently facing. I believe that, while my testimony may be a blessing to you, you should still put this in the context of a testimony, and not counseling. I am a firm believer in "staying in your lane". I believe that many people get hurt when you call yourself to ministry, as such. I take ministry very seriously. So, for my sake and yours, feel free to ask questions, but don't get offended if I refer you to your local church, depending on what the question is. Having said that, ask away!
Today, I am sitting here, writing, after finishing my first semester as an assistant school teacher. I am working toward my certification. Wow, what a difference a year can make. I have a degree in business, but I felt compelled to make some changes in the last year. This year has been a world wind of change for me. I re-located from my home state of Michigan, and I came to the Dallas area. This is the first time in my life that I've re-located. It has been a bitter/sweet experience. I miss my family in Michigan tremendously. I have some family here, but the bulk of them are there. God has been showing me how he can bless me anywhere in the world.
My primary purpose for re-locating was so that my young son could be close to his Dad. Can I tell you, this was one of the best decisions that I've made in a very long time. I have a grown daughter, who is loving the move too, but I know that grown folk have a different perspective than kids. They both love their Dad dearly, and are loving the results of the move too.
I will say that I've grown a lot personally though. I actually bit the bullet! I am so proud of myself. I hope that doesn't sound presumptuous. I just really am! I packed my grip, as the old school people say, and got the heck out of dodge. It was challenging at first, but the blue skies, and warm weather definitely helped, lol. Can you tell I like Face book? Anyway, I am still adjusting in some ways, after a year. I don't mean the logistics of the move. I mean the separation from my Mom, Dad, siblings, aunts and uncles, my cousins, my church family in Michigan and friends. We moved in packs back home. So, I really miss the impromptu desert parties after Sunday dinner, and the cook outs on my deck, and the graduations and baby showers, etc.
I have learned a lot about myself through it all. I count God faithful in all of this. He has been a friend, a counselor, and a provider in it. I want to encourage anyone contemplating a life change like this. Seek God, and don't be afraid to make a change. I will quote one of the Pastors I've met since I moved, "Use the faith that it took to come here, to stay here", by Pastor Eben Conner of Word of Truth Family Church in Arlington, TX. That was a life changing word from God that I have lived off of for the past year, literally. I've been taught that, when you get a Word from God, hold on to it.
I also have received some "correction" if you will. Some feel that I am not getting into the "meat" of things regarding divorce, separation, etc. Well, there is a reason for that. When I started the blog, I mentioned that this is a "test pilot" of sorts. It continues to be that. I am researching my writing style, I am networking with other writers, and I am praying and talking to people I respect who can give me wise counsel. So, please don't think I'm just a "fly-by-night" writer, looking for a thrill. That is not me. So, pray for me, and ask those questions, and I promise to give you a thoughtful answer. There is more to come!
I am still contemplating the book. I have some things to consider. I want it to be more of a testimony than anything else. There are so many books out there. I am a book lover. I have more books than I can read right now, and don't want the book that I author to be another one to just add to people's collections, but something that can actually change people's lives. That might sound like an ambitious statement, but I think that is certainly possible. My life was changed by books that I have read by awesome men and women of God.
I'll never forget Dr. Fred Price's book that I read that told the story of how his ministry was started. It changed my life. I continue to be changed by books, some written by every-day people who's lives have been changed by God forever.
Having said all that, if this blog is a blessing to you, I'd like to hear from you. I initially said that you should leave questions in the comment section of this blog. I'm not so sure that is the best way to do this. I have had people write me on my Face Book page, (see the link on this blog), to encourage me to continue, or to give their testimony of how it has been a blessing to them. I encourage that. Also, sometimes people chat with me on there. I don't walk in the office of a Pastor, so I will always refer people to their local ministry, when it comes to questions regarding problems they are currently facing. I believe that, while my testimony may be a blessing to you, you should still put this in the context of a testimony, and not counseling. I am a firm believer in "staying in your lane". I believe that many people get hurt when you call yourself to ministry, as such. I take ministry very seriously. So, for my sake and yours, feel free to ask questions, but don't get offended if I refer you to your local church, depending on what the question is. Having said that, ask away!
Today, I am sitting here, writing, after finishing my first semester as an assistant school teacher. I am working toward my certification. Wow, what a difference a year can make. I have a degree in business, but I felt compelled to make some changes in the last year. This year has been a world wind of change for me. I re-located from my home state of Michigan, and I came to the Dallas area. This is the first time in my life that I've re-located. It has been a bitter/sweet experience. I miss my family in Michigan tremendously. I have some family here, but the bulk of them are there. God has been showing me how he can bless me anywhere in the world.
My primary purpose for re-locating was so that my young son could be close to his Dad. Can I tell you, this was one of the best decisions that I've made in a very long time. I have a grown daughter, who is loving the move too, but I know that grown folk have a different perspective than kids. They both love their Dad dearly, and are loving the results of the move too.
I will say that I've grown a lot personally though. I actually bit the bullet! I am so proud of myself. I hope that doesn't sound presumptuous. I just really am! I packed my grip, as the old school people say, and got the heck out of dodge. It was challenging at first, but the blue skies, and warm weather definitely helped, lol. Can you tell I like Face book? Anyway, I am still adjusting in some ways, after a year. I don't mean the logistics of the move. I mean the separation from my Mom, Dad, siblings, aunts and uncles, my cousins, my church family in Michigan and friends. We moved in packs back home. So, I really miss the impromptu desert parties after Sunday dinner, and the cook outs on my deck, and the graduations and baby showers, etc.
I have learned a lot about myself through it all. I count God faithful in all of this. He has been a friend, a counselor, and a provider in it. I want to encourage anyone contemplating a life change like this. Seek God, and don't be afraid to make a change. I will quote one of the Pastors I've met since I moved, "Use the faith that it took to come here, to stay here", by Pastor Eben Conner of Word of Truth Family Church in Arlington, TX. That was a life changing word from God that I have lived off of for the past year, literally. I've been taught that, when you get a Word from God, hold on to it.
I also have received some "correction" if you will. Some feel that I am not getting into the "meat" of things regarding divorce, separation, etc. Well, there is a reason for that. When I started the blog, I mentioned that this is a "test pilot" of sorts. It continues to be that. I am researching my writing style, I am networking with other writers, and I am praying and talking to people I respect who can give me wise counsel. So, please don't think I'm just a "fly-by-night" writer, looking for a thrill. That is not me. So, pray for me, and ask those questions, and I promise to give you a thoughtful answer. There is more to come!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Gotta Work on The Comment Feature...
I was made aware that the comment feature here is not working properly. Please be patient while I work through this. In the mean time, if you are on Face Book, you can communicate with me on there. Thanks for your patience.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
What would you like to see covered?
Thank you to all who have read my blog, and sent me messages. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I'd like to answer your questions, if you have any. Feel free to put questions in the comment section of the blog. I will do my best to answer them thoughtfully.
One reader is concerned about the toll that the music industry is taking on some of her friends' lives. I know that it can have a negative affect on family life, the travel, the absence of the muscisian at key family times like graduations, school events, etc. I know there are people out there who are making the best of it though. It's the same for truck drivers, or people who are traveling salesmen. It's all about the quality of the time you are able to spend together. Don't get me wrong, any relationship that is not given adequate time will eventually suffer. The other side to that is, there are ministers, and evangelists that have to travel to spread the gospel. Surely God didn't call them to ministry at the expense of their families.
We had to get pretty creative in how we handled family time. I would travel, as much as I could, with my husband. Also, I had a part-time job, working for his company, so that I could balance my time with the kids' schedules. There are a lot of creative things that you can do to accomodate a travel schedule. It will take sacrifice though. It won't always fit into this comfortable box. You have to think outside the box to make it work. When both people are willing to make sacrifices, it can work. My marriage lasted seventeen years. You might be thinking, "How is she the expert on making this work when her marriage ended in divorce?". You are right, I am no expert, but seventeen years speaks loudly in this day and time.
What I would do differently the next time is, I'd spend less time working on the day-to-day business things and more time on relationship things. I also spent time decorating my house, and entertaining guests. I was the hospitality committee, when band members came to town. I didn't necessarily accompany them to the studio sessions, or the working dinners, but I was the behind the scenes "go to" person when it came to making things run smoothly. I would do things more selfishly, in a good way, if I had a chance to do it all over. There is nothing wrong with delegating resposibility. The Proverbs 31 woman knew how to get things done. She had servants! There are only twenty four hours in a day. You can't be all things to all people. I actually thought that things wouldn't get done if I didn't do them. Strangely, once I was divorced, life went on, and the company didn't crash. So, that showed me that things would get done, one way or another, if I chose to do what was more important for the well being of my family.
Also, I'd pay more attention to the obstacles to a stable family life. There were distractions, to say the least. Most people think that a lack of money is the main problem in the life of a starving artist. Actually, the abundance of money, without a long-term plan of how it will be spent is a bigger one. Ask questions, before you marry a musician, about how they value money, what is important to them. If a big house, multiple cars, and a supersized home studio is his priority, you should know that in advance. If you are frugal, and value other things you might not agree on how the money should be spent.
Well, my brain is getting fried, lol. Enough wisdom for one day.
One reader is concerned about the toll that the music industry is taking on some of her friends' lives. I know that it can have a negative affect on family life, the travel, the absence of the muscisian at key family times like graduations, school events, etc. I know there are people out there who are making the best of it though. It's the same for truck drivers, or people who are traveling salesmen. It's all about the quality of the time you are able to spend together. Don't get me wrong, any relationship that is not given adequate time will eventually suffer. The other side to that is, there are ministers, and evangelists that have to travel to spread the gospel. Surely God didn't call them to ministry at the expense of their families.
We had to get pretty creative in how we handled family time. I would travel, as much as I could, with my husband. Also, I had a part-time job, working for his company, so that I could balance my time with the kids' schedules. There are a lot of creative things that you can do to accomodate a travel schedule. It will take sacrifice though. It won't always fit into this comfortable box. You have to think outside the box to make it work. When both people are willing to make sacrifices, it can work. My marriage lasted seventeen years. You might be thinking, "How is she the expert on making this work when her marriage ended in divorce?". You are right, I am no expert, but seventeen years speaks loudly in this day and time.
What I would do differently the next time is, I'd spend less time working on the day-to-day business things and more time on relationship things. I also spent time decorating my house, and entertaining guests. I was the hospitality committee, when band members came to town. I didn't necessarily accompany them to the studio sessions, or the working dinners, but I was the behind the scenes "go to" person when it came to making things run smoothly. I would do things more selfishly, in a good way, if I had a chance to do it all over. There is nothing wrong with delegating resposibility. The Proverbs 31 woman knew how to get things done. She had servants! There are only twenty four hours in a day. You can't be all things to all people. I actually thought that things wouldn't get done if I didn't do them. Strangely, once I was divorced, life went on, and the company didn't crash. So, that showed me that things would get done, one way or another, if I chose to do what was more important for the well being of my family.
Also, I'd pay more attention to the obstacles to a stable family life. There were distractions, to say the least. Most people think that a lack of money is the main problem in the life of a starving artist. Actually, the abundance of money, without a long-term plan of how it will be spent is a bigger one. Ask questions, before you marry a musician, about how they value money, what is important to them. If a big house, multiple cars, and a supersized home studio is his priority, you should know that in advance. If you are frugal, and value other things you might not agree on how the money should be spent.
Well, my brain is getting fried, lol. Enough wisdom for one day.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My perspective then.... My perspective now.
That sunny day on June 19, 2003 came afer ten months of divorce proceedings. People never really heard things from my perspective because I chose not to call any magazines, do any TV interviews. It was hard enough to deal with all the changes I was going through without scrutiny from strangers.
I was raised in church, in a family that was private about things like this. Yet, there were days that I did feel like setting the record straight. There were so many rumors out there. My friends would sometimes clue me in, so that I'd be braced for what I might hear.
Let me say that I wasn't always so clear about how I felt. I was hurt, sad, bewildered at times. How does a Christian, married to a Christian end up in divorce court? Better yet, how does a Chirstian married to a Christian minister end up in divorce court? My parents had been married for over forty years by that time. I grew up in a traditional Pentacostal church, where divorce was taboo, yet there I was in divorce court. I still loved my husband, or ex-husband I should say. It took me the longest time to be able to refer to him like that. I wanted my marriage, and couldn't understand how this had happened.
One of the pastors I'd come to know through my ex-husband advised me not to spend my time figuring things out, but drawing closer to God. I took his advice. I prayed more than I ever had in my life. I fasted until I broke out in hives after I began to eat again, yet it still happened. I tried not to question God, but I'm sure I did in my heart, even if I never verbalized it to him in prayer.
Let me say that I was also angered by people who wrote articles about a marriage between two people, but never bothered to get the other person's perspective. I understood that he was the famous one, and that he had fans who cared about him. His fans may not even recognize me in a crowd, but surely they realized that there was another person involved, and that she might have a different perspective. I can speak about it now, because I've gotten rid of the anger, the hurts have been healed, and I see things differently now. God really healed me emotionally, and helped me get rid of the bitterness that ate me away inside.
So, if you are in the throws of a divorce, or have just come out of one, know that hurt, emotional pain, bewilderment are normal, but costly. The sooner you get rid of them, with God's help, the better off you'll be. However unfair it seems, know that holding on to it is hurting you more than the person, or people you are angry with.
I spent many a day in the Psalms. King David was really honest with God. He talked about how his tears soked his pillow at night. He talked about being so depressed he didn't think he would recover. But, he always ended those heart wrenching paragraphs with praise. Praise and God's Word got me through the toughest of times. The Word and Praise will get you through it too. Don't pretend you don't feel it. Don't ignore it, and please don't try to be Super Christian. I did, and I dwindled down to a very unhealthy weight. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of that relationship. Give it to God, for sure, but know that you are a spirit, with a soul, living in a body. You are all three of these. God needs to heal all three, and he will.
I also will say, don't go it alone. We need one another. Certainly let God lead you to spiritually minded people. Your pastor, or pastoral care staff is a good start. I had people that I could call at 3:00 am, if I couldn't sleep, who loved my ex-husband, and wouldn't bash him, but who would pray for us both sincerely. I learned not to go to people who'd bad mouth him. That wouldn't solve anything. I didn't disclose a lot anyway, because I wanted to be reconciled at that time. I didn't want God to heal my marriage, and then have folks who were close to me mad at him. That would never work. So, I protected him. I wasn't perfect in that, for sure, but I loved him. I still do, only differently. I love him in a way that says I respect him as the father of my children. I recognize that his music changed the face of gospel, and still is doing that. Heck, it took me so long to stop seeing a movie at the theater, and not instinctively call him to tell him how it was. He had been my best friend, and I missed that.
Any relationship that lasts for seventeen years, involves two beautiful children, years of ministry work is bound to affect the strongest person in the worse way when it ends. That's not the end of the story though.
I was raised in church, in a family that was private about things like this. Yet, there were days that I did feel like setting the record straight. There were so many rumors out there. My friends would sometimes clue me in, so that I'd be braced for what I might hear.
Let me say that I wasn't always so clear about how I felt. I was hurt, sad, bewildered at times. How does a Christian, married to a Christian end up in divorce court? Better yet, how does a Chirstian married to a Christian minister end up in divorce court? My parents had been married for over forty years by that time. I grew up in a traditional Pentacostal church, where divorce was taboo, yet there I was in divorce court. I still loved my husband, or ex-husband I should say. It took me the longest time to be able to refer to him like that. I wanted my marriage, and couldn't understand how this had happened.
One of the pastors I'd come to know through my ex-husband advised me not to spend my time figuring things out, but drawing closer to God. I took his advice. I prayed more than I ever had in my life. I fasted until I broke out in hives after I began to eat again, yet it still happened. I tried not to question God, but I'm sure I did in my heart, even if I never verbalized it to him in prayer.
Let me say that I was also angered by people who wrote articles about a marriage between two people, but never bothered to get the other person's perspective. I understood that he was the famous one, and that he had fans who cared about him. His fans may not even recognize me in a crowd, but surely they realized that there was another person involved, and that she might have a different perspective. I can speak about it now, because I've gotten rid of the anger, the hurts have been healed, and I see things differently now. God really healed me emotionally, and helped me get rid of the bitterness that ate me away inside.
So, if you are in the throws of a divorce, or have just come out of one, know that hurt, emotional pain, bewilderment are normal, but costly. The sooner you get rid of them, with God's help, the better off you'll be. However unfair it seems, know that holding on to it is hurting you more than the person, or people you are angry with.
I spent many a day in the Psalms. King David was really honest with God. He talked about how his tears soked his pillow at night. He talked about being so depressed he didn't think he would recover. But, he always ended those heart wrenching paragraphs with praise. Praise and God's Word got me through the toughest of times. The Word and Praise will get you through it too. Don't pretend you don't feel it. Don't ignore it, and please don't try to be Super Christian. I did, and I dwindled down to a very unhealthy weight. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of that relationship. Give it to God, for sure, but know that you are a spirit, with a soul, living in a body. You are all three of these. God needs to heal all three, and he will.
I also will say, don't go it alone. We need one another. Certainly let God lead you to spiritually minded people. Your pastor, or pastoral care staff is a good start. I had people that I could call at 3:00 am, if I couldn't sleep, who loved my ex-husband, and wouldn't bash him, but who would pray for us both sincerely. I learned not to go to people who'd bad mouth him. That wouldn't solve anything. I didn't disclose a lot anyway, because I wanted to be reconciled at that time. I didn't want God to heal my marriage, and then have folks who were close to me mad at him. That would never work. So, I protected him. I wasn't perfect in that, for sure, but I loved him. I still do, only differently. I love him in a way that says I respect him as the father of my children. I recognize that his music changed the face of gospel, and still is doing that. Heck, it took me so long to stop seeing a movie at the theater, and not instinctively call him to tell him how it was. He had been my best friend, and I missed that.
Any relationship that lasts for seventeen years, involves two beautiful children, years of ministry work is bound to affect the strongest person in the worse way when it ends. That's not the end of the story though.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Day One of What happens after the music stops....
I'm sitting here with my neice, in the sweetest outfit EVER!. She helped me get this started. So, I'd like to send a shout out to Laneshia for all her help. I've felt, for a long time, that I have a book inside me somewhere, but was cautious about the timing. Well, this is the "test pilot" for that. So, don't be afraid to express your interest, or lack of interest, in the topics discussed. I will be as gracious as possible either way. Having said that, I'd like to just say that life inside the "fish bowl" of the music industry can seem vary glamorous from the outside, but have some suprising ups and downs from the inside. I'm a better person for all the ups and dows now, but it wasn't rosey the whole way.
I will keep this as real as possible, while protecting the innocent. My life came to, what I felt then, a screaching hault on June 19, 2003, the day my divorce was final. My indentity, as I perceived it, was altered permenantly. I remember taking a walk outside my ex-husband's studio, with my nephew. It was sunny, and I'd just come out of a church conference. My sister would pass away in the weeks to come after a long battle with M.S. I was starting to gain weight, after losing forty pounds without trying. I was about 120lbs by now, after going as low as 115lbs. Mind you, my top weight, at my curvey weight was 150lbs. So, you can imagine how I looked at the lowest, like a crack addict.
I have no sad stories to tell, only ones of triumph and faith, because God had a plan in all of it. I think it is important to tell your testimony because you never know who you might help. I also have a good relationship with my ex-husband. We are committed to raise our son in faith, with a healthy atmosphere surrounding him. So, here I am, in a Dallas suburb, getting ready to go to work tomorrow, with a story to tell. Let's see who wants to hear it.
I will keep this as real as possible, while protecting the innocent. My life came to, what I felt then, a screaching hault on June 19, 2003, the day my divorce was final. My indentity, as I perceived it, was altered permenantly. I remember taking a walk outside my ex-husband's studio, with my nephew. It was sunny, and I'd just come out of a church conference. My sister would pass away in the weeks to come after a long battle with M.S. I was starting to gain weight, after losing forty pounds without trying. I was about 120lbs by now, after going as low as 115lbs. Mind you, my top weight, at my curvey weight was 150lbs. So, you can imagine how I looked at the lowest, like a crack addict.
I have no sad stories to tell, only ones of triumph and faith, because God had a plan in all of it. I think it is important to tell your testimony because you never know who you might help. I also have a good relationship with my ex-husband. We are committed to raise our son in faith, with a healthy atmosphere surrounding him. So, here I am, in a Dallas suburb, getting ready to go to work tomorrow, with a story to tell. Let's see who wants to hear it.
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